Answer me this

Why does my diver's watch need a calendar function?

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... as if it were your last.

The other day, I heard a woman give that tired old cliche, "Live every day as if it were your last."

Yeah.  Like I want to live every day in a hospital bed with tubes connected all over and a nurse coming in every once in a while asking, "How are we doing Mr. (insert last name here)?" and I am unable to answer.

Sure.  Good plan.
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Another Dumb Pun

Q. Why are Thomas's English Muffins allowed neither in prisons nor in day care centers?

A.  They don't want to deal with crooks and nannies.

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Incomplete Sentences

The other day, I heard the teacher apparently say to the class, as she wrote on the board, "I - will - write - incomplete - sentences."

I thought that was rather odd, until I looked up at the board.

"I will write in complete sentences."

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Who could have seen THAT coming?

Here's a dialog that occurred the other day at school.  Little girl raises her hand in the cafeteria and I called on her:


Little girl: "I'm six!"

Me: "Really!  When did you turn six?"

Little girl: "On my birthday."

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Bitchcraft

Bitchcraft  [bich-kraft]

noun

A series of practices where a group of people, most often women, plot and execute evil actions against others, also typically women.

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Cell Phone vs Talking to Passenger

Q: What's the difference between hands-free talking on a cell phone in a car versus talking to a passenger in the car?

A: The person with whom you're talking hands-free is much less likely to shout, "Watch out!!"
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tying teacher salaries to student performance

Schools across the nation are considering tying teacher salaries to student performance.

I couldn't agree more.

The worse a school performs, the more they should pay the teachers to motivate them to teach the kids better.

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He said whaaaa??

So today I totally forgot to wear red for valentine's day.  Anyway, a teacher had a red heart she gave me to put on my shirt.  So I walk into my kindergarten class and shortly after, a little girl came up to me and said, "Michael said you have a heart on." 

You know, that was about ten hours ago and I'm still chuckling over it.

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really dumb riddles

Q. What do you call men who barbecue when it's foggy outside?

A. Grillers in the mist.


Q. What do you call these men when they congregate among your group?

A. Grillers in our midsts.



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